Seriously, Don't Worry?

I'm worried. I sometimes think I'll never have children.

And I don't worry in a 'oh my gosh, it's been 6 months and we're not pregnant'. I wish that were my biggest worry. But no. I'm worried in a 'oh my gosh, it's been almost 4 years and we're not pregnant yet.

Before you all start thinking the typical things such as...

-It'll happen, don't worry.
-You can always try IVF
-I know you'll be a parent
-You could always adopt
-Stop trying and it will happen

...I'm going to have to ask you to stop. It's not that easy. When your body can't complete the tasks it should, it just doesn't work.

I know that we could try IVF, but I really don't want to. I don't know why. I just don't. And adoption is something I've considered. It's also terribly expensive.

But do you know what I worry about most? Nick. He's such a wonderful man. He'd be an excellent father. And I can't give that to him. And I hate it. He could be with some other wonderful woman who could give him the family he truly deserves. He's just so amazing. And he loves me. So much. Which is why he's stuck by me through everything.

And there's the question I ask so often. Are the two of us enough? If we never, ever have a baby will I be content when I'm older if it's always just been the two of us?

It troubles me to have to even think about these questions. And it is constantly on my mind.

I will say I'm so blessed to have Melanie. So, so blessed. She has been so supportive through all of this and always says the right thing. Always. I couldn't imagine my life without her.

I will be looking into more holistic treatments. I feel led in that direction. It can only help.

It's times like these I'm so thankful for my faith. So very thankful. Even though I clearly don't know the plans, my Heavenly Father does. He'll have everything happen the way he sees fit. Without Him I'd be lost.

As I close, please don't feel sorry for me. I do have a lovely life. I've got Nick, Kenobi, a wonderful family, etc. Sometimes the weight of it all just drags me down. It's just hard keeping it all together all the time. But I will.